When life gets hard, really hard, and all you can think about is ending it all

I get sick. Then there’s this feeling of relief.

I want to believe there ain’t nothin’ on the other side. Or even there’s the heaven that I pray for.

But that same Heaven brings h3ell if I go through with it.
It figures, the thing I treasure most those days is the same thing I can’t act on.

And it’s because I believe, because I have faith.

I know In my soul that everything works out for a reason. And that I’m destined for something bigger than I can imagine,

It makes it that much harder. Life is so short. 60x60x24x7x52x90 if you’re lucky, a blip in the time space continuum.

When I think about how much time I’ve wasted, THE URGE gets that much stronger.

People think just because I don't cry, yell, and scream; that I don't care about anything,
In reality I care too much about everything. - LaurenAsia

Sometimes it's best just face things head-on. -LaurenAsia

I have been getting twp-three hours of R.E.M. sleep for the past month, but now I've realized if I stay up until I pass out from exhaustion, I actually sleep. My back is killing me though.

My PM gave me a TENS so maybe it will help me go to sleep. With the coaching through the breakdown I've been up for 48 hours. Insanity is setting in.

Plus I'm going to get injections into my spine in two weeks. Oh Joy :(

When your life seems like it's in the toilet, flush. That shit gets recycled. Start over again fresh. - Lauren Asia

"When a situation begins with the wrong intentions, the shit tends to hit the hit the fan with a big splat! Then you have to clean that mess up..." -me (LaurenAsia)

I just had a discussion with my mother and I realized why I get so upset. The seemingly small things I rarely give confidence to another person, being an only child and the product of a Mother who keeps to herself (and has less than beneficial trust in her sisters), I'm used to being in my own space and keeping my mouth shut.
So when I first started attending university, and I spent countless nights watching after my new roommates virtue, cleaning up her vomit, drunk dialing, and an assortment of other things that most people would call it quits on- I couldn't believe it when she had the audacity to complain about the movie I was playing... in our empty room until she stepped in. Yes, I exploded. And I put her alcoholism out there for the people who cared about her to see, and she got better and completed college.
When I found the first person I cared about romantically, and they would do things that didn’t make any sense to me; or attribute faults to me that I had never shown any behavioral signs of acting on, and treat me as though I was one of the many multiplied characters that came before me; their anger intensified into results that I don’t want to think about. Things rarely work out as you’d hope they did. And of course I helped this person to “see the light”, but by then the damage was done. There are some things you can never excuse.
Or when my cousin, after years of discord between us, we had found a sense of comradeship between us- being the only children in this whirlwind we call a family, came out of her mouth to me; yes, I reacted explosively. Who knows how this will turn out? Honestly, I don’t give a shit.
Things get build up inside and maybe it's because I grew up hanging around older people, maybe it's just my personality, probably doesn't matter, I react. I react from all the vitriol, dirty looks, smart remarks, and everything negative that I absorb when I leave the house.
It seems like no matter how much I smile or try to be positive and bright; no matter how much I’ve tried to improve upon myself and become a more social and agreeable individual; that nastiness seeps in. And I let it get to me. I have no one to blame but myself.
Today I realized that it's my brain. I'm beyond smart; I'm in the top 1%. As much as I try not to pay attention to that, it is a fact. When irrational or illogical behavior ensues, to me it's like a calculator flashing a huge ERROR sign.
"Why would you betray the one person who has kept you out of the worst situations?"
"Why would you be mean and nasty to someone who has only shied away from your anger and hate?"
"What circumstances call for treating someone outside your circle harshly, simply because you surround yourself with people who might warrant that behavior?"
“For what reason could you every justify just being an asshole to someone whose never done anything to you?”
Sometimes I wish I could be as ignorant as the masses, but then I realize how horrible that thought is and feel shame. I feel ashamed about a lot of my feelings. I don’t give a flying fuck about sex, or drugs, or the supposedly immoral and illegal things people do. What I care about involves people. Who are you hurting? How are you hurting them? What can you do to be different, and better towards the whole?
What can we all do to be better people? As much as things change, things stay the same. “Same shit, different stink.”
There is no reason, it is not called for, it is STUPID. Illogical, irrational, completely ridiculous behavior.
This is what I need to understand. I can buffer against the people whom I expect to hurt me, but the people who I let in and trust, who's going to protect me against them?
It's not right, I don't like it, but it's reality. The only person who can protect me is me. I hate that. And I will hold hope that nothing is as it seems.

-LaurenAsia

In the past year I've grown, gotten healthy, and shedded the old F'ed up version of myself. I will not go back to that place, nor will I let anyone pull me down to that level. I have the power to decide who I let effect my life and how, no one can hurt me unless I let them. And I'm sorry, but you don't even have control of your own life, why would I give you power over mine?
;-P

Even when they say I'm the best,
I feel like the worst.
When they say I'm the most intelligent,
I still hear- you're an idiot.
I do my "Job" even though to me it's not work,
but to be told I'm not respected for it cuts deep.

Deeper than anything imaginable, at least to be,
how can I not be worthy of respect, which is what's said to me.
My time, my work, my patience, my love
It's worth nothing until I reach above.
But then I remember it's worth something to her,
she loves me, and how much I care will rarely occur.

Despite the bad day when I thought it would all end,
I couldn't lose sight of what was around the bend.
She's doing better, I'm making a difference, the family is satisfied,
even if it's undervalued, my effort cannot be denied.

-LaurenAsia 5.30.10

After a breakdown regarding the care of GMa

The "don't ask don't tell" policy is an indication
of how moronically deficient our nation is.The gov is scraping the
barrel 2 fight in their f'ed up war, yet gays aren't good enough.
You're a bunch of inbred morons & your evangelical BS pisses God off. From a Christian,
In JC's name I pray. Amen.

I'm surprised that this is my first post regarding the completely irrational nature of the U.S. law. For a country supposedly founded on freedom this nation is ridiculously restricted. We'd rather watch someone's head get blown off the show a little nudity.

It's acceptable to have a straight person play a homo, rather than the other way around.

Despite the backwards, upside down and just wrong nature of this country, I love the U.S.. Maybe it's my own screwed up behavior that allows me to appreciate it.

What "grinds my gears" are the individuals who won't own up to their wrongness. They hold onto their holier than thouness like it will actually get them into heaven. For all that you condemn others to hell, you should understand you'll be traveling right alongside them.

Own it, love it, continue to live it, and move on. You're righteousness is as fragile as all those you condemn. This bus is traveling to hell and we're all passengers if you want to be honest adhering to your dogma.

If you're able to open your mind and accept the adherent differences within those who are good, maybe your life won't be so miserable, because let's be honest, it is.

-LaurenAsia

On May 2nd I began my garden by planting the carrots, lettucs and peas.

Over the next 3 weeks I continued planting until I had carrots, lettuce, peas, corn, cucumber, watermelon, mescalin, romaine, beans, radish, cherry tomatoes, beefsteak tomatoes, pepper and squash planted and sprouting in peat pots.

5.24.10- I ;plant the birds and butterfly flowers 3 days and the are s sprouting
5.27.10- I stake my peas to the tall stake tn are going to look ridiculous